Pressing Pause

My mom recently called me her "little vagabond". I earned this nickname for the somewhat nomadic lifestyle I've been leading since leaving Austin in mid-August. I am currently in Washington D.C., my fifth city in less than a month, visiting my sister as I wait to leave for South Africa on the 26th. Needless to say, recently my life has been a whirlwind of borrowed couches and living out of suitcases. I've now officially ruled out careers as a traveling salesperson, carnival worker, truck driver, or on-tour rock star as I have realized that I'm not really cut out for the nomadic life. In this way I am anxious for September 26th to get here already so I can be somewhere permanently for a while.

With all the traveling and trip preparations, I realized recently that actually being in South Africa seemed like more of an idea than a reality to me. Up until this point, the trip has been a giant to-do list of paperwork, shots, fundraising, errands, etc., in my mind. I realized that I hadn't given myself time to think about what it might actually be like while in South Africa. I was probably doing this because it's a little easier to deal with a to-do list than with all the emotions that come with it. Yesterday it finally hit me: I am leaving. It is going to be different there. I am probably going to have culture shock. I am going to miss people. I might be lonely. My life is not going to be the same after this. And while I think that all feelings are valid and should all be addressed, I also don't want to get carried away in a Stephanie Egocentric Pity Party. Before I left Austin, one of my friends told me that by going to South Africa, I was essentially "pressing pause" on my life, on my career, on my education, on relationships, and on friendships. With all due respect to my friend, I disagree with this metaphor for the experience for two reasons.

First, when you press pause in a movie and then press play again, the movie continues as it would have regardless of the fact that you pressed pause. Instead, I choose to see this experience as the next scene in my life. This experience is going to guide and shape subsequent decisions and experiences and thus is not like pausing a movie but instead is just the next scene or act that will thicken the plot and shape how the movie continues.

Second, I do not like the "pressing pause" metaphor because I think it skews my perspective on my place in the world and makes me feel more self-important than I should. One of my favorite quotes is by author Donald Miller:

"The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is this: life is a story about me."

A continuing struggle in my life is to not see life as this huge story or movie about myself with others playing supporting roles, but instead to just see myself as one of the characters in a bigger, elaborate, interwoven story which includes everyone in the world. In that story, my actions and choices affect the actions and choices that others make. I choose to try to live my life in this mindset as I feel it gives me the most appropriate perspective of how to live my life in a positive way that enriches and improves the lives of others. I am anxious and nervous and excited and hopeful as I wait to see how this huge story plays out.

Also, just wanted to let everyone know that I finally got my visa for voluntary causes in the mail from the South African Consulate! That means they won't kick me out at customs! Yay!

So, with that, I believe that this will be my last blog post from the states. I am not sure how much internet access I will have while I am away, but when I do have internet I am excited about sharing my experiences with you through this blog. Until next time, salani kahle (goodbye in Zulu)!